LONG LONG ENTRY? ^^"

Mood: *Ponders on my nicknames* "I have SO many of them."         
How many names do I have? I realized that every single name has a different character and comes out in several different occasions. Mimmy is a name that people call me in Panama. I remember it came out to be like that in fourth grade when me and Rebecca loved Hello Kitty. Rebecca would be Hello Kitty and I would be Hello Kitty's sister, Hello Mimmy. That's how my nickname Mimmy came out. I also chose Mimmy because in Panama everyone calls me that anyways because the name MICHELLE is tooo LONG to say? Actually, not everyone calls me Mimmy either, people who are really close refer to me as Mimmy. Yup... Teacher Norma since little used to call me MicheLee too... @_@ It's kind of like my legal first name and my legal last name combined together but she eventually also started called me Mimmy. In occasions when she is mad at my for my stupid thoughts, she would go really serious on me and call me MICHELEE. I miss Teacher Norma and her really meaningful lectures about life. I remember when I used to have a little crush against a boy when I was little she said: "What you feel is not my dear." So whenever I think I like a person, I always wonder.... Is this loving a person or is it just nothing but air? I still don't know if what I felt for Mr. 1214168 was love or air but who cares right now right? Everything is in the past and it shall stay in the past. Michelle is just like my school name and work name. Milenna is more like people that really know me use it now a days. Not that many people know the story of my birth and blah blah and my real family and what happened to them. Maybe because, I don't want my life to sound too interesting to that many people and don't want that many people to know so much about me because the more one person knows, the higher rate they have of leaving me.

Mood: *Sigh* T_T*tear* Realistic.         
I hate seeing people leave me. I hate knowing people betrayed my trust for them. It makes me feel, I don't really trust anyone anymore. Even the person I trust the most now seems to also be going through that one same stage when they eventually get bored/tired/annoyed of the friendship and me. The same stage everyone else I trusted goes through just that it took him 1 month longer? Then again, I am Milenna Ng and this is just how I am: stressed, with a dramatic life, tired, workaholic, does not know how to take care of myself, not selfish at all and always thinking for others before of myself, way too patient, random, weird[a very unique kind of weird], never goes with the crowd, always over reacting, always taking everything seriously, observant, fake to a lot of people, always running away, and the most important of all: Depressed half of the time but I can hide it from a lot of people. I guess nobody can stand a person like me so they eventually give up on being my friend.

Mood: *Doubtful*         
Nana and Isabella keeps telling me that it's okay but with what I have really told them which is near barely anything there is no point. Isabella always says I do little things for people and they sometimes appreciate and most of the times ignore it. Maybe because those little things are little things that nobody does or they do the same but in a more USUAL way.

Mood: *Ponders on how round is the moon* *Eek... remembers of the movie Chuck and Larry! Lol! Ahahahahaha.... A circle goes around and around and aroudn and doesn't have corners... Remembers on how Juno says it with the random accent. Hahahahaha....*         
I am like the secret closet, a lock, and a diary for a lot of people and friends. For some reason people say I am cute, adorable, funny, and hyper all the time but I don't know if it really is part of what I am or is it just a fake part of me. I think it is all just my childish acts and sounds. I don't know why do I do so many weird sounds but Jessica always says it's funny. -_-" She says I even dress cute which I really don't understand because I always just throw something on myself randomly in the mornings or whenever I go out. I really don't elaborate on the way I dress but I think I am growing love for really cool looking earings now.

Mood: *Er...*         
I tend to give the impression to others that I am shy but am I really shy or is it just me when I don't really want to know that much people and don't really want to have that many friends because I am afraid of losing them as a friend? I don't know. I take friendship seriously because I somewhat treat them like I would treat a family. My close friends are my family that's all I know. Even though I don't really tell them that they are, in my heart I unconsciously just think they are so maybe that's why whenever one of them leave I feel that's like if I have lost a family member. I have friends, a lot of them, but they are just people I hang out with to like have dinner or lunch and talk about random stuff. I don't really trust any of them.

Mood: *I want to like... Cry.*                   
I don't really want to talk to anybody even when I really need to get it out of my heart, right now. I am good at hiding things from others but I don't know if hiding all of what I feel inside of me is a good thing or not because even though I am able to get it all out through one friend for the last year, I am starting to think: "Is what I am doing correct, okay, or not?" "Am I really supposed to let this one person know so much about me?" "What if someday he also ends up being like another 1214168, J, or T, or E?" I think my selfish acts only take place when I don't want to make friends because I don't want to get hurt. I also don't want to make close friends because I don't want anybody to know about my past.

Mood: *Sigh*         
I am always mentally tortured from my past and it is difficult to not bring up the past into the present. The present, which is right now, is already tooo wild and crazy. I think I unconcsiously feel ashamed for the kind of life that I have. I always wish I could be a little more normal. Do normal things like being social, not worrying so much, not being so "motherly", be more girly, like shopping, and having a normal family. Although I wish I could be more normal, I somewhat think it's okay to just be who I am. I really like how I care about the community. I like being the person that is there for others when they need to talk. I need to be people's companion when they are really sad and make them feel that they are not alone. I like being patient enough to take care of my two baby cousins that seem to be like little monkeys. ^^" I love doing community service. I like how I know so many languages[Spanish, English, Canto, Mandarin. Learning: Italian]I like my job. I think I like being there for others because I don't want others to feel or go through what I have went through. ***I think it's time for me to make my big paragraph into segments.***

Mood: *Hits herself with her own bag*         
I am very understanding to others and always give people advices, but for some reason I can't be like that to myself. I make it seem to people that I am a normal person just overly stressed and tired most of the time. Even though a lot of the people I listen to trust me a lot, I don't ever tell them much about myself because once they know that you have a harder life than them; they don't want to talk to you about themselves because they feel you already have enough to worry about. I think the more I have to do the less I will think, and the less I think the better right?

Mood: *Hm.....*         
I feel I am like reflecting in life... My trip to Texas was fulled of life lessons... I learned a lot from the person I trust the most which I actually met online. I gave up in life a few days ago and while I was passed out I dreamed about our conversation in the park. I think that is what got me a little stronger right now. I am stil lthinking on what is the thing I love the most that I want to keep doing for the rest of my life. I don't really think I should set myself such a big goal right now because my future is not really that long. I think people won't get what I mean by my future won't be for so long. I think... what keeps me going on right now is my... err... I don't know how to say it in ENGLISH... Let's translate: (Mandarin to English) My wait for the friend I trust the most to come to CA so that I can give him a tour? ^^" I really wanna like go to all the places I know and do many things that I have not done for so long with this friend. Why? I have NO clue why. O_O" I really don't know why... I think I just want to.... because because because... I feel I owe him so much. O_O" I owe him... 29 UNKNWON things. O_O" Eek. Ou. I hate owing people so many things. I think touring him through the Bay Area is something I can do to get rid of some of that? I don't know... Lalalala... I just want to tour someone around the Bay Area and go to many places I haven't been for like a long long time. Then again, I don't even know if he would be coming before my future ends. I also have another goal that I won't tell anybody... it's school related but yup yup. Not that many people know about it and it's good like that! ^^ It's nothing bad either... I want to see my baby cousins go into Pre-Kinder! I want to get to be the assistant manager of the place I work. I am the assistant of the assistant manager right now and also kind of like the publicity chair and part of the event planing 3 person group but yup...

Mood: Pondering...         
That one dream I was dreaming a couple of days ago when I wanted to give up in life was really strong on me. I dreamed a whole bunch of other things that happened too in my trip to Texas. For some reason, I have the thought that some of those days where a couple of the most happiest days of my life. Or moments... I don't know... It's hard to explain... During that one week, I wasn't interrupted by my family at all and that's already a really good thing isn't it? I laughed a lot... Lol! Actually, I easily get happy and easily get sad but I was laughing and happy a lot during my stay. Hm... He got to see a lot of my different characters but I am very glad that I didn't show my most depressing side that one Wednesday when someone told me my sister was dead. -_-" I am very glad I could control myself to a lower reaction. He was scared on my lowest shock reaction so I think that if I have not controlled that part then I would scare him even more. I am glad I didn't really cry HARD. -_-" eek. He has heard me truly cry on the phone but not in person... That's good! ^^ Yay.

Mood: *RUshing becacuse someone is kicking Milenna out.*         
Okay, time to end this long long entry... I have been sittin in this Cafe place using their PC for like 1 hour and a half just writing this long long entry... To sum up, I woke up at 7 in the morning to go jogging andthen I went home to take a shower and came out again to get something from a friend. I called my best buddie from Panama because today is his bday! ^^ I remembered as always... ^^" Cindy is coming up to Sacramento from panama next week and I am gonna go hang out with her! I am so happy that thsoe are my days off too! August 8-10. I need to give money to Bao Bao... O_O I really need to. He is starting college soon and he needs money for books so my next pay check will go directly to his account. I hope my sister pays me back some money so that I have money for my medication. My sister and her husband are okay now, no fights, no dumb and stupid sister actions.... Yay ^^" I don't need to worry about them and my niece anymore. =) Oki... goodbye...

-Milenna.